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In the year 2000....
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© DSFC
THE CELL
THE SMELL
by pat

The Cell is an interesting idea. A deranged madman, aren't they all, takes a young, unsuspecting, undeveloped screenplay. He taunts the poor thing with occasional Green Lights, until finally big budget horror is marketable. Now the script has fleeting hope. Unfortunately it is then trapped in elaborate sets and drowned in art direction. The poor script never had a chance.

Speaking of chances, how does Vincent D'Ohfrio keep getting them? He lumbers around, either shouting, talking like a child, or occasionally faking a southern accent. He's like Adam Sandler's big dumb Randy Quaid brother, only I like them. If I wanted to see him wear that many dresses, I'd dig up his yearbook. And how did people never notice he was a creepy SOB? I personally think he IS a serial killer, why didn't his neighbors?

And some small bits. Vince Vaughn is a genius FBI lawyer spy or whatever, who can remember a greasy dirty logo on a table, but not the word "reversal." Jennifer Lopez WAS unqualified to be on the project. Look how often she broke the rules, especially trying to help an evil evil man. Plus, she locks herself into the Brain Chamber, and nobody can get in to stop her...or turn off the computers in front of them? Lastly, the official FBI explination at the end was much more plausible than the film itself. I give it a Poo.


TARA SUBKOFF


by jim


Although I really liked "The Cell", I hate Jennifer Lopez.

That said, we can move on to the real star of the film...Tara Subkoff. If I had my way the entire movie would have been about how Julia Hickson (Tara Subkoff) fell for the old "I ran over an albino dog" trick and wound up being kidnapped by a lunatic played by Vincent D'Nofritos (or whatever the hell his name is). He then takes her to a plexiglass prison and leaves her there. The rest of the movie would have been how she goes through several stages before ultimatley plotting her escape. First, we'd see her denial. Then rage. Then dispair. Then she'd inexplicatly get naked. Then she'd notice that pipe in the corner. You get the idea. My point is "The Cell" needed Tara, but Tara didn't need "The Cell". I'm firmly of the belief that had Vince Vaughn not shown up when he did, she'd have found her own way out and been fine anyway.

Tara made her screen debut in the 1997 indie film, "All Over Me". This is quite untrue, her debut was in 1993's "When the Bough Breaks" but I've never seen it and it looks dumb. After that she was in "True Crimes" and "Freeway". I did see these two movies, but they were awful. So, as I said, Tara made her screen debut in 1997's "All Over Me" with Alison Folland and Wilson Cruz. I thought Tara was amazing in this movie about two 15-year-old girls trying to survive thier lives in Hell's Kitchen. I'm telling you now this is an actress to keep an eye on. She will do big things, mark my words. Since "All Over Me", Tara has starred in (or maybe you prefer the more accurate "been in") "As Good as it Gets", "The Last Days of Disco" and "American Pie".

So go out to rent "All Over Me". However, your video store probably won't have it, so you may as well go see "The Cell".

Jinkies! A schizophrenic post-traumatic sadomasochistic doll and albino fetishist! And his doggie!
STYLISH 2000 VINCE VAUGHN 4-DOOR

I am too hot to be sad, too sad to be hot. It is to cry.
GOTHS DO NOT KNOW FRIENDSHIP


"I was in "The Cell?"
HOTTEST GIRL
IN THE MOVIE:
TARA SUBKOFF

100% Alicia Silverstone free!
TARA'S FIRST FILM
(THAT DIDN'T SUCK)
Fun Fact Eighty-Eleven: The DSFC has been trapped in a car with each other for more total
hours than the entire Kevin Costner filmography.