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You ever seen a movie so worthless you'd rather chew off your own arm then finish it? Nope. Me neither. The proof of that is the simple fact that I watched the entire film known as "Coyote Ugly".
"Coyote Ugly" is a clever experimental film where they intercut softcore rock videos that take place in a bar with scenes from other trite films reinacted by their "cast". The plot is something about a girl possessed by Leann "Don't Call Me Busta" Rhymes who leaves a good movie co-starring John Goodman to try to become a singer in New York. She plans to achieve her goal by amatuerishly sending out demos that she records on her Casio keyboard to big record agencies and throwing fish with uncharasmatic Australian actors. Perhaps as a going away gift from NJ, recently hot co-star Melanie Lynskey should have bought her a book about getting into the music industry instead of subjecting us to the billionth cast singing of "I Will Survive" or what ever the hell they sang. I won't ruin the ending (it does that quite well on it's own) just trust me it sucks. The whole movie sucks. Don't go see it unless you suck. There is one redeeming thing in the movie: John Goodman. John Goodman rocks though and he never sucks. Want proof? Rent "Fallen". Actually don't. Just trust me, it sucked. Oh, yeah, Izabella Miko is real hot.

COYOTE FUN

by pat

There's something about the cliche. A certain comfort, like licking tequila off a bar while hot women dance above you. Sure you feel cheap enjoying it, but it's tried and true entertainment. That is the world of Coyote Ugly. Take any given cliche from any 80's movie involving finding love, starting a band, moving out on your own, your first or summer job, dreams, family, and roll them up into one tight little package. Speaking of which, guaranteed Costume Desing Oscar nomination, as the board is a bunch of dirty old men.

The filmmakers knew what they were doing. The way they play out all of the subplots, toss the odd reference where you'd just had the chance to forget about it, then feel smart for remembering, the way they set it up so you can easily predict the movie with Nostrodamus accuracy, and does all of this consistently and thoroughly. Serious work had to go into it. The movie was not constantly winking at the camera, either, saying "aren't we cool for being cheesy?" If any movie winked at the camera that much, it would lose depth perception. I am going to stop defending this movie now. I seem to be hurting my own defense.

JERRY, JERRY, JERRY...

by AG

Jerry Bruckheimer is the finest purveyor of big, loud, glossy trash in the last two decades, and maybe film history, and as such, ya gotta love how unshamefacedly cheesy his stuff is - and I stress this - WHEN IT WORKS. When it works, you get "The Rock". When it doesn't, you get "Coyote Ugly". Now, since my esteemed colleagues have used their space to respectively rip this movie a new one and, I guess, sew it back up (?), I thought I'd use my space on this page to hi-lite the rise, the fall, the rise again, and the fall again of "Coyote Ugly" fuhrer ... er, I mean *producer* Jerry Bruckheimer.

1. FLASHDANCE - The first superbig hit for Bruckheimer and late co-producer Don Simpson. It should be noted that this film cross-breeds the talents of Simpson & Bruckheimer, Adrian Lyne, and Joe Eszterhas. It is therefore, by pedigree, the TRASHIEST movie ever made.

2. TOP GUN - The Simpson/Bruckheimer formula (burnished sunsets, rapid editing, colored lights, latent homoeroticism) starts to gell. Their collective star continues to rise ...

3. DAYS OF THUNDER - Sunsets? Check. Editing? Check. Latent Homosexuality? Check. Still not regarded as the hit Top Gun was, probably cause it wasn't the hit Top Gun was. Thus begins the decline ...

4. BAD BOYS/CRIMSON TIDE/DANGEROUS MINDS - Five years and almost no hi-profile projects after Days, the duo returns with this 1-2-3 punch, proclaiming their return to hi-concept, lo-brain entertainment. To celebrate this, Don Simpson dies. But, then came ...

5. THE ROCK/CON AIR - The Post-Simpson years yielded these two, distilling the S/B formula to its basests elements, eschewing the homoeroticism in favor of just having the suggestion of big, shiny breasts (which is why Vanessa Marcil and Claire Forlani are in the former, and why Monica Potter is in the latter). And while these two are probably the most satisfying of the Bruckheimer catalogue, you ain't seen nuthin' till you've seen ...

6. ARMAGEDDON - Big, long, shiny, loud. The absolute ultimate rendition of the Bruckheimer formula. If you listen closely, you can actually hear Jerry Bruckheimer having an orgasm. That being said ...

7. ENEMY OF THE STATE - Solidly enjoyable, but after Armageddon, might as well be My Dinner with Andre. Definitely a come-down. And speaking of come-downs, there's -

8. GONE IN 60 SECONDS - A serious indication that JB shot his wad on Armageddon. A perfect example of the formula without any effort. Or so you'd think it is, until you see -

9. COYOTE UGLY - There's nothing I can say about this that jim hasn't, so I'll keep it short. Big? No. Shiny? Sorta. Dumb? Yes. Trashy? Yeah, but not even fun trashy.

Has JB lost it? We'll find out next Memorial Day with PEARL HARBOR; with a script by MAN IN THE IRON MASK's Randall Wallace and directed by Michael "YES, MR. BRUCKHEIMER" Bay, it has a chance to be the crossroads of trashy the way that FLASHDANCE was, and COYOTE shoulda been.