The Smokers

THE SMOKERS

THIS MAY POSSIBLY BE THE WORST
FUCKING MOVIE I HAVE SEEN IN MY
ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE

by jim

What a steaming pile of dogshit. This movie gives me hope. I know that our debut feature, THE DRIVER, is easily better than this amateurish rubble and this thing got distributed by MGM (shame on you MGM). I want to hunt down writer/director Christina Peters and shove my rented DVD straight up her untalented ass. After a few hours of having the oddly shaped lump of materials in her most notorious of crevices, I'm sure she will remove it and the stench from the DVD's temporary home will be the only thing that could possibly have made this movie any worse. On a serious note, the fact that this expolitive, yet ultimately cowardly, filth came from the mind and hand of a woman is even more offensive. The film plays out like a sick male fantasy, and Peters should be ashamed, as a woman, for creating this horrifically bad monument of crap. It's worse than THE PRINCE OF TIDES, worse than THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES, worse than COYOTE UGLY, worse than mother fucking TOMB RAIDER, I will even dare say it's worse than FINAL FANTASY. Worst movie ever.

I will do my best to relay the plot to you. The problem in doing this is that the film is edited so poorly and transitions and exposition so garbled that at points I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. The "plot" centers around three girls who attend a private high school...somewhere. I'm pretty sure the girls are in high school. One of them mentions being seventeen, they go to prom, they have a spring break (or maybe summer break, or maybe it was only a weekend, or a day off), so I think high school. However, they seem to have no problem getting into bars (maybe they have fake ID's, who knows?), and one of the girls fucks some way older guy who seems unconcerned about her age, so, who knows. Whatever. So there's these three chicks, I won't bother with names, because I'm not sure they had names. There's The Slutty One, The Shy One and The Other One. They get tired on men dicking them around. However, the only evidence of men dicking them around is after The Slutty One has sex with a complete stranger in a limo, who has already mentioned that he has a kid, he unceremoniously ditches her and reveals he's married. She's devastated. You know what? Fuck her. She deserved to be treated that way. She fucked a guy with a daughter that she met in a bar she shouldn't have been in that she'd known for ten minutes in a limo. How on earth is that a surprise? Boo-hoo, he's married. Fuck you Christina Peters and your stupid ass movie. Wow, that guy sure was a dick. Christina, you're a fucking idiot. Go to hell. The only other thing is that The Shy One's boyfriend pressures her to have sex with him. Hey, the guy never talks to her when they go out, so again, her bad for not dumping the scrawny dickweed. After surviving these terrible ordeals, the girls venture off to The Shy One's house where they play Russian Roulette with her pathetic stereotype of a punk rock/stoner sister. Christina Peters has obviously never met anyone who either: a) was into punk or b) smoked pot. The fact that the role is played by a post-AMERICAN BEAUTY Thora Birch costs her some major cool points. To protect her, The Shy One takes the gun and the girls get the notion to dress up in stupid ass costumes and rape men at gun point. Seems like justifiable payback for getting jilted by a dude you had casual sex with and having a knob of a boyfriend. Anyway, for all the talking everyone does throughout the film about the series of man-rapes the girls inflict, they never actually rape anyone. They just act like it's a big deal. They try three times. The first time, dude can't get it up, the second time the girl talks about it, but doesn't do it, and the third time the girl doesn't do it because the guy is gay. Speaking of that. Gay dude is from a band with the name Pontious Pilot and The Nail Drivers. Not only is this a dumb name for a band, but we know it's the bands name because it's scribbled out in marker on a big white cloth behind the stage. Nice production value, Christina. Maybe actor/executive producer Nicholas "I'm a Loser" Loeb should have shelled out fifty bucks for a Kinko's banner. This name is just the kind of thing I'd expect from a pseudo-rebel like Peters. Hey, at least if the gays killed Christ it let's us Jews off the hook, eh? Also, when The Other One discovers the guy she wants to rape is gay, her immediate response is to shout out "You have AIDS!". Nice one, Peters. If GLAAD gave a fuck about your shitty movie, they'd have had a field day with that jackass statement. Anyway, the girls continue to act as though the non-rapes of guys they know and who are cool with the attempts are a big deal. The refer to it as a revolution about thirty times. Okay, revolution. Not raping guys, wow, what an edgy movie this is. It ends when a guy actually tries to rape The Shy One. The rape occurs when she changes her mind while having sex with him in a hallway. Why is a character that is supposed to be so shy having sex with her boyfriends friend in a school hallway? Oh yeah, because Christina Peters couldn't write her way out of a wet paper bag. Afterwards there's an investigation conducted by the awful woman playing the headmistress. Not the cops mind you, that would have involved actors and costumes. Then there's a fire and I think The Slutty One dies, but I'm not sure. It isn't made very clear. Yeah, that's all, this movie sucks.

Now, the cast. Oh, that awful cast. Busy Phillips is one of the worst actress I've ever seen. Her head is like John Merrick's and her weight fluctuates wildly throughout the film. In the scene where she fucks the dude in the limo, her rolls of fat pour from her bikini in a manner you'd expect only from The Jerry Springer Show. There's also The Shy One, played by the equal parts ugly and untalented Keri Lynn Pratt. Dominique Swain, I usually like, but here, as The Other One, she was awful. The rest of cast is so pathetic, I won't even bother to go into them. Suffice it to say, there isn't a real actor among them. Just some guys who probably got to cum on Christina Peters face as payment. Even the extras are bad. During one restaurant scene, there is a guy sitting alone at a table doing nothing but staring at the camera. There is no sense of continuity and the sound echoes throughout. If this film had been made in the seventies, the production value would have still been fifth rate. This movie makes Ed Wood look like a detail oriented genius.

I can't go on, the memories are too sickening. The wounds too fresh. If you happen upon this flick looking for tits and a good time, you will find neither. It isn't so bad it's good, it's just bad. Christina Peters, just die. You haven't made a movie that is fresh or bold or daring. You just made a forgettable and regrettable insult to yourself and everyone who comes in any contact with you and your fucking stupid ass movie. I hope you never work again and die a slow, painful, clap-ridden death. You whore.

I FEEL BURNED, TOO

This a-hole paid a ton of money to kiss Dominique Swain. It was either that, or become a stalker, and he's way to big a pussy to be a stalker

This a-hole paid a ton of money to kiss Dominique Swain. It was either that, or become a stalker, and he's way to big a pussy to be a stalker

THE ONLY BOOB IN THE MOVIE

You owe us for this Swain.

HOTTEST GIRL
IN THE MOVIE: DOMINIQUE SWAIN

Hey, Busy, you ever look into doing something about your gigantic, ugly melon?

WORST ACTRESS EVER