NEW REVIEWS!!! ........................................ The Butterfly Effect The Cooler Ella Enchanted Eternal Sunshine Hellboy Mean Girls 13 Going on 30 Used Cars The Whole Ten Yards

by pat

I know this solidifies the opinion that I have the mind of a five year old, but I love dinosaurs. From "The Land Before Time" to "Carnosaur," I find them incredibly fascinating. I have stories that'll likely never get written about dinosaurs, such as what if they never went extinct and we cohabited this planet. I suppose part of it is the mystery. What were they like? Why are they extinct? Would they have enjoyed bowling if they had posessed proper opposable thumbs? We may never know. But I think that the real reason I like dinosaurs is that they look really cool. Running around, attacking each other, knocking over buildings, whatever. They just look really cool, so I'm going to see nearly any dinosaur based movie. That's why I saw "Jurassic Park 3."

After the POS that was "The Lost World," I was not thrilled that there would be a third adventure in this series, until I found out that those responsible for "The Lost World," namely Steven Spielberg, David Koepp, and Michael Crichton, would not be directly involved. While they have all done things of merit, they really didn't seem to give a shit as far as the franchise was concerned, and damnit, I want my dinosaurs taken seriously! Well, not in movies like "Caveman," but in this case I do! "The Lost World" was a thrown together hodgepodge of ideas, unused scenes from the first book, and dinosaurs requested by kids. I'll go into more detail when I review that film, but as a basis of comparison, let's say I was sorely disappointed.

When I heard the list for JP3, I was ecstatic. Joe Johnston is the kind of director this movie needed. He doesn't get weighed down with preachiness, he doesn't pad out the running time with self important scientific theory best left in the book, instead of having Jeff Goldblum stutter his way through it with inconsistent analogies, voicing Michael Crichton's agenda in a pablumesque manner. Johnston just gives you a taste, sets up the neccesary plot stuff, then gets to what we came to see. A bunch of dinosaurs chasing people. The movie is short, at 92 minutes, which is fine. There's more than enough action in that time. Also a good amount of humor, some poking fun at the preachiness and / or ridiculousness of the previous two films.

We don't spend much time getting to know or like the characters, just enough to sort of not want them to get eaten. The main reason you do care is because they were good in other movies. William H. Macy is enough to get me in a theater. I just plain like the guy. Sam Neill is a much better hero than Goldblum, who was essentially comic relief / Michael Crichton's Soapbox. Laura Dern, only in the film briefly, was welcome back. Bad haircut, though. Michael Jeter should be more popular than he is, as he's always good, though he seems to play the same type character, so maybe I'm wrong. He was likeable in this, someone you hope doesn't get eaten. The kid lost on the island wasn't annoying, the most valuable attribute a child actor can have. Tea Leoni played the Kathleen Qunlan role, ie the weak, crying, terrified woman who serves more to lure out the monsters and annoy the heroes (and audience). I used to like her. I'm now reconsidering it.
The rest of the cast is a collection of new faces currently making their way through the gullet of some lizard not meant to exist in man's world. If this surprises you that the unknowns have a higher probability of dying, then when we get off the escape pod I would like you to wear my fresh, clean new red shirt. I insist.

The script was written by a hell of a lot of people. It was originally called Embryo, for reasons I guess are long since written out, though MovieBoss didn't seem to notice. If you let a dozen Compsognathae hop around on a keyboard long enough, a good script will come out. Again, this is why I feel part two was rushed. The Compies barely got used to the odd footing of an ergonomic keyboard, as there were no ergonomic devices back in the prehistoric eras. The T-Rex may have benefitted from desk furniture custom built for its tiny forearms, and may not have been such a terrible lizard. Some of the writers, including John August (uncredited) of "Go" and "Charlie's Angels," and Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor of "Election," are actually good writers, and though it was all repair, on the spot clean-up work, it kept the characters feeling fresh and realistic. There were more human reactions in this film, not always intelligent ones, but believable. The science of the film I might question, were I to do research, but the science of each of the films was iffy. This one seemed to just accept that it was fantasy. Also, any aberrations from real dinosaur possibility can be chalked up to the dinosaurs coming from frogs (thanks to Mr. Crichton).

One such example is that raptors are now thought to be able to communicate, and have intelligence superior to dolphins. The dolphins have not issued any statements about this, but are clearly hurt by the suggestion. Raptors are unable to balance a beach ball on their nose or put up with mankind. Supposedly they can make distinct honking noises that amount to "Help," "Look, there's the fleshmonkeys!" "Fuck it, we'll get 'em later," and, though I can't be sure, I think one of them was taking a dessert order. Dr. Alan Grant has a computer-carved wooden kazoo shaped like the part of the raptor's skull that creates the noises they make. It never ever ever comes into play in the film whatsoever. Okay, it does. Why is it when you make a noise like a pet to the pet they cock their head and stare at you like you're some kind of asshole, but a highly evolved creature seems to understand and react accordingly. Maybe raptors are nearer to a dolphin's amazing tolerance than we thought.

Added to the mix is a new dinosaur, the Spinosaurus. It's a really big, mean, superpowerful creature that somehow was spontaneously created. It wasn't in the previous films, and based on size, is not a toddler. It may have just been shy, but then found out Joe Johnston was on the island, and wasn't too big a fan of "Jumanji." The Spinosaurus did admit to enjoying "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids," however, but was still a little angry. Also, it had always been a bit creeped out by Jeff Goldblum. Who isn't? This beast takes on the T-Rex, making the most feared dinosaur of my youth look like Spuds MacKenzie, drunk. This big ole' bastard in San Diego would have been, stupid, actually. That whole idea...never mind. Spinosaurus good.

Some of the effects are a bit cheesy, such as anything involving parasailing, but I didn't go to see parasailing. The dinos look great. The raptors have a new design that works quite well. You can sort of tell them apart, which helps not only toy sales, but a sense of a more specific bad guy. They also seem leaner and darker, adding to the feel of threat, adding to the increased darkness in tone. "Lost World" claimed to be darker, but was just plain mean. Here they pull it off. The Pterodactyls, finally used, are super sweet. Check 'em out

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS

by jim

It was nerve racking. Seeing those early teaser posters for the latest installment of "Jurassic Park". I noticed that Spielberg was no longer attached, a mixed blessing, considering the poop that was "The Lost World: Jurassic Park". The series was now in the hands of Joe Johnston and I remembered him from having never seen "Jumanji". I heard it was good though, I just don't like Robin Williams. He was in that, right? I liked "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" and "The Rocketeer", but I didn't know how much I should trust a man who hasn't made a film in the past decade that I've wanted to see. So, even though I hated the sequel, I knew that I had to give this third one a shot. I mean, it's big dinosaurs and the big dinosaurs eat people. That's pretty cool.

There was something else that encouraged me into thinking this movie would be different from "The Lost World". Spielberg still stamped his named on it, kinda like admitting he didn't give a shit about these films anymore, but wanted to make sure they weren't made by some asshole. Two of the scripts writers were also responsible for "Citizen Ruth" and "Election", much edgier fare than a big dinosaur movie, that hip pick said to me that this project was headed in the right direction, and it was.

With "Jurassic Park III" the series heads back to where it belongs. It returns to the idea of a roller coaster movie with minimal character development and less emphasis on annoying brat kids. There is a kid in it, but he isn't annoying like Goldblum's Olympic gymnastic stupid kid. He's just this kid, who thanks to his mother's bad parenting is stuck on this island. Let me explain. See in the beginning, this kid and an idiotic adult supervisor are parasailing around the second dinosaur island. Elsa Major or Elsa Sanora or Elsa Lanchester or whatever it was called. The Parasailing company is called "Dino Soar", get it? Well, the boat and crew all look really shifty, like some black market group involved in the lamest of "extreme" sports. Any good parent would have steered clear of this motley crew.

So now, the kids shitty parents, the always great (even here) William H. Macy and the always irritating (especially here) Tea Leoni, trick Dr. Alan Grant and his buddy to go to the island to look for their son. They pretend to be rich thrill seekers and then immediately spill the truth the moment they crash land on the island and everyone finds out what dumbass pansies they are. Sam Neill looks really bored for most of the movie. The only times when he looks like he's actually having fun are when they do these silly close-ups and he gets to look into the camera and spout off gloriously over the top lines like "This is how you play God." Alessandro Nivola ("Face/Off"'s Pollux Troy) plays Grant's young archeology ward who's just a total contradiction of a character. He seems game enough for whatever the writers throw at him, it's just that they provide no real motivation behind most of his actions. Why am I bothering? No one ever watched a big dinosaur movie for the characters, anyway. So, they run around the island and find the missing kid, who's been doing much better without them and lots of nameless people die. The group runs into the brand new T. Rex killer, the Spinosaurus and have to artfully dodge his genetically engineered ass. The thing doesn't really look very scary and the animators seem to have trouble keeping it's size constant. The other main dinos are the increasingly chatty Raptors, who now, it seems have a complex communication system. In fact, I think I heard one of them saw, "Shut up, asshole, I'm trying to rationalize Hitler's actions in World War II for my Speech class. I mean debating is hard enough, but when they assign you something like this, something that goes against all the moral instincts of yourself and make you try to explain actions that in your heart of hearts you believe are total incomprehensible. I'm sorry, man, I know you're just trying to invite me to eat that pilot guy. I just need to study. I'll just have some leftovers of that parasailer we had yesterday." The other new kids on the block are the awesome Pterodactyls. I've always loved these guys and after two movies of foreshadowing them, they finally come to the screen and are the best things in the movie.

So the army shows up and they get off the island. Hopefully, they will arrest Tea Leoni for neglect and charge her with manslaughter for the deaths of all those poor people who got eaten because, if it weren't for her and her bonehead boyfriend they would never lost the kid and would have never had to go to the island in the first place. Hopefully, Grant and his protégé will sue her, too. I also hope that social services takes her son away and puts him into some sort of foster care and some serious therapy.

This film probably won't be as financially successful as the other two, but now they have the flying dinosaurs. That means Mr. Jumanji should be able to knock out another sequel. If it has big old dinosaurs, I'm sure I'll go see it, no matter how stupid it looks. "Jurassic Park III" is total fluff, but enjoyable fluff. Just try to shut off your brain, because if you don't, you'll realize this movie sucks ass.