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by jim
In the dumbest town in America...
During the most convenient storm in history...
The worst film of the year unfolds...
I know it's early, but I'm penciling this one in on my 2004 Paper Hat
ballot for Worst Film of the Year. It truly was that bad. In fact, the
only positive thing I can say about it is that once, near the end, there's
this great shot of Emma Caulfield's cleavage. Oh well, what do you expect
from a film about a killer Tooth Fairy? Truth be told, the only reason
I went to see this film, besides it being free, was to support my favorite
BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER actress in her first big film role. Shame they
didn't let her do anything, huh?
So, that wasn't a joke, this movie tries to paint The Tooth Fairy as a
creature to be feared. They open with a backstory intro so blatantly lifted
from THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT that it was laughable. The whole movie is
a series of sequences and details taken from other movies (and usually
not very good ones, at that), but I know Pat has a lot to say on that,
so I'll be sufficed to say that I agree with him about it. Aside from
the film's lack of originality, it still suffers from poor acting, poor
writing and poor directing. Essentially, this film manages to fail on
all levels. Part of the reason for that is there isn't a single good idea
associated with the film. The closest they come is casting the talented
Caulfield, but they never use her to any worthwhile degree.
After the expose about the twisted history of the now mythic Tooth Fairy,
we find twelve-year-old Kyle Walsh on the brink of romance and teenage-dom,
who has just lost his last baby tooth. He winds up "peaking"
when The Tooth Fairy comes (apparently, this upsets her) and now he suffers
her wrath. She winds up killing the boy's mother and haunting him, making
him stay out of the dark to stay alive.
Now, he returns to his hometown, twelve years later, where they think
he his a murderer. He comes back to help out the suspiciously young "younger
brother" of his childhood sweetheart who has been suffering the same
night terrors Kyle had. Apparently, Kyle is the only one who ever moved
out of Darkness Falls, and despite his prolonged absence and completion
of puberty EVERYONE still recognizes him, by full name, at first sight.
Way to be believable. So, the obvious happens, The Tooth Fairy keeps murdering
people and the cops arrest Kyle assuming he did it, despite a complete
lack of evidence. It seems that in the dim town of Darkness Falls, it
is perfectly acceptable to arrest a person based solely on a hunch. They
ignore facts like people with distinctive maulings (that look more animal
than human) and the curiosity that the victims are often found in treetops.
That's correct, they somehow think this pip-squeak is not only making
people look like they were attacked by a bear, but then taking his fresh
kill and hiding them in the trees. How did he manage to get them up there
(the first guy is easily twice Kyle's size)? Who cares. This film is chock
full of these type of implausible actions and inconsistencies. One or
two breaks from reality I can handle, but when it comes and goes at will
like this, it's just careless writing.
The writing is really where the lion's share of the blame should go. The
story is poorly conceived, never thought out, and all the characters talk
the same. Even the little boy, who's maybe like five or six, speaks like
an adult for no reason. The town is populated with the blandest, most
cardboard gaggle of chuckleheads you can imagine. Characters act merely
as plot devices, and inconsistent ones at that. One moment The Tooth Fairy
is forced to flee by the slightest sliver of light, another she withstands
the mega-blast of a lighthouse. You get the picture?
The acting is not helped by the poor writing, but the actors themselves
are also at fault, the lone exception being Emma Caulfield. She is the
only one who truly does the best she possibly could despite the script
and complete lack of directing. There's just no role there for her to
play. The doofus who plays the adult Kyle Walsh, Dewey Wahlberg (not his
real name, but who cares, you'll never hear from him again anyway) is
so lifeless, you don't suspect him of being emotionally traumatized, just
boring. The rest of the cast is so bad and so insignificant, they don't
merit anymore space on our website. Just enough to politely suggest they
all look for a new vocation.
In summation, the film is colorless, noisy, and flat. I can't even recommend
seeing to laugh at it, it's just, as I said before, that bad. Save yourself
some hard earned time off and money and just rent a good movie, or go
see CHICAGO, that was really good.
Oh, yeah, one last thing...I think it's really funny that a guy played
The Tooth Fairy, it didn't really impact the film, but what a way to make
your screen debut, huh? Cross-dressing to play someone who's face is unrecognizable
anyway. You're really going places, buddy.
FALL
TO PIECES
by pat
I was a little disappointed with the first "Boogeymen" DVD compilation,
which took random scenes from horror movies showing their iconic (or occasionally
obscure or laughable) villains killing random horror fodder. Neat idea,
bad execution, but it was an okay first try. Still, I looked forward to
the next installment. How surprised was I when they changed so much? I
mean, they changed the title to "Tooth Fairy," then again to
"Darkness Falls," and actually went back and reshot the scenes
with one villain, so as to make it a somewhat linear narrative. They even
got the new villain into the last wave of Movie Maniac figures, in which
many of the previous "Boogeymen" had been represented. All this
helped secure a theatrical distribution, guaranteeing more bank for them.
The downside is that it's not the original scenes that we enjoyed (or
didn't) in the original films, but slight mock-ups. It just doesn't retain
the fell, the tension, or the creativity of the originals. It can, however,
be looked at as a fun guessing game for film buffs, especially horror
fans. Since there's no specific place I could find with an actual listing
of what films were used, here's what we came up with. Okay, mainly I came
up with, because jim sees a horror movie about as often as he sees AG,
which isn't to say never, but usually only for a good reason. Scenes used:
Jeepers Creepers, Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, A Nightmare on Elm Street,
They, Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Valentine, and I could be mistaken,
but I think there was a scene from Cameron's Closet. I can only assume
there were others, but several of the preceding list were used multiple
times, so it balances out. I'd go into detail, but that would ruin the
fun, wouldn't it? I'd definitely recommend playing at home, though.
Plus sides to the compilation would be some interesting puppetry for the
Winston Studios monster, which was apparently almost all done live on
set rather than relying on digital effects. Good to see the craft isn't
dead. Also, the cinematography was nice, very photogenic. Of course, since
much of it was emulating some well-shot films, mainly the credit goes
towards being a successful transfer, rather than inherently inventive,
but they didn't muck it up. Finally, I know jim pointed out the virtues
of Anya, er, Emma, but as an avid "Buffy" fan I had to say it
wasn't her fault. She's a good actress who will be working for a long
time, and based on how she had to struggle through the mess, I find it
hard to fault the rest of the cast as well. And she's yummy.
INTEREST
AS WELL AS DARKNESS FALLS
by Jay
If your anything like
me (shoot yourself and end it now) a part of you has never grown up and
still like toys, most notably, action figures. Let the girls and the jocks
say they're dolls, we connoisseurs of the collecting game know that its
friggin cool to have a toy that electrocutes itself or that every guy
should have a talking 12 inch Darth Vader doll with removable helmet that
quotes the final moments of Darth Vader's life when you press a button
on his back. To quote EMPIRE RECORDS "this…is the glue of the
world". So I peruse the aisles and when I come acrossed a figure
from a movie that has yet to be released, I study it like a monkey studies
his joystick at the age of three. For all intents and purposes, this movie
should have been cool. The figure was cool, the movie has to be cool by
my own geek standards.
This movie sucks,
plain and simple. Weak storyline, weak cast, uninteresting and overdone
situations, and the simple fact that they changed the bad guy at the very
end so that the figure and what you see onscreen don't even remotely look
alike really pisses me off!
Here we go with the
plotline kiddies, everybody stay frosty! In the pilgrim days a sweet old
lady who cannot go outside due to being burned in a fire that causes her
to wear a porcelain mask, befriends all the children in her settlement
by taking their baby teeth as they lose them over time. Two kids disappear,
sweet old lady is blamed, and sweet old lady is put to death but not before
cursing the town, Darkness Falls, and all of its young inhabitants. Soon
after her death the missing kiddies stroll into camp and all fear sweet
old lady turned maniacal witches wrath. Her wrath takes the form of a
specter who attacks a child on the night their last baby tooth falls out.
If you hide under the covers and let her take the tooth without looking
at her, you're green. However, if you see her do this task, she will hunt
you like a cheetah stalks a fat kid with a honey pot. Her weakness is
light. If a light shines upon her, she scuttles away like a cockroach
that's touched a human. Therefore, if you are being hunted by this thing,
grab a flashlight, glowstick, or Bruce Willis' chrome dome, and you're
safe.
Moving on, one child
escapes after viewing this woman take his final tooth. Flash forward to
a point in his life where he is old enough to feign toughness and his
old girlfriend gives him a holler (old girlfriend is played by Emma Caulfield,
who people seem to like from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love Buffy, but
can't stand Anya-some people think I am wrong, write me and tell me what
you think…or, don't) to inform him that her little brother is now
having freaky deaky delusions and won't go to sleep. Dutiful ex-boyfriend
furthers the plot by taking a bag of flashlights and his best scary face
back to his hometown of Darkness Falls and the wonderful, merry mishaps
ensue.
Its pretty bad when
you can't find a redeeming quality to a film. Some of thew camerawork
is good, but not enough of it to warrant a mention. The creature looked
O.K., but you don't get to see it enough to warrant a mention. The best
shot of the film, the one that should have been the poster, was in the
first ten minutes of the film, is of the little boy sitting in a tub with
the bathroom light on and half his face obscured by a shower curtain,
staring blankly at the camera as the creature that will haunt him for
years hovers above the door on the ceiling in the hallway just outside
the bathroom. THAT was creepy cool, but that's about it.
It may be a good cable
movie; it certainly was too formulaic for me. I think Ed Sanchez and Daniel
Myrick should sue the hell out of the writers for this film. I also think
that if you have a choice of movies and this is one of them, the choice
is clear.
P.S.: I thought of
one redeeming quality after all! The give away for the movie was a long
sleeved black T-shirt. I love long sleeved t-shirts!!!
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