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© DSFC |
THE
MEDALLION
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| MY DINNER WITH AWKWARD | ||||||||||||
| by
pat It was hard to put my finger on at first, but I finally figured out what watching this movie was like. It was a set-up blind date, and one that really showed you that your friends might not be the best people to set you up with somebody. It makes sense on paper, of course, but where did your friends go wrong? You're a big Jackie Chan fan, and Jackie is in this, but they didn't notice that you like Jackie for the stunts, and this is a lot of CGI and stuff. Not the Jackie you dig. Then they remember that you mentioned liking "Warlock," and the guy who played the Warlock, Julian Sands, is in it. You sort of nod and say, "Okay," even though you remember "Warlock 3" and finally figuring out that Julian Sands isn't much of an actor. Your buddy remembers when we all went to see "Mallrats," going on about how hot Claire Forlani was. You don't point out that you guys weren't talking about wanting to see her act more, or at all. Lee Evans you can't place until you see him, but he was funny in "Mouse Hunt" and "There's Something About Mary." For whatever reason, that seems to be what the two of you start talking about. At first you think the conversation will be amusing, but it comes off so forced. Evans tries at every opportunity to ham it up, and you sit there wondering if at any given point your date will take breadsticks and do a walrus impression. You're embarrassed to be watching these awkward, repetitive, unfunny antics. You want to tone it down, change the subject. For a good while, that's what the movie does. It start to do something, then when there's an off lull in the conversation, it blurts out something nonsensical in the form of a new scene, a cutaway, a montage, whatever. For no reason, Jackie and Claire go to dinner at Evans' house. Jackie finds out Evans is pretending to be a librarian, not an Interpol agent. You think this might go somewhere, but it turns out to be idle chit-chat, just the thing you use when a dead spot hits. "So, librarian, huh?" "Uh huh, more or less." "Cool." As they walk in the door, Evans pulls some pork chops from the oven, charred, and blames the just-arrived Jackie. Suddenly "Twist and Shout" starts playing, they all have fun doing not quite wacky cooking stuff, then they eat. Nothing odd, they just sit and eat, smiling, as the rock music continues. Just as you look at your watch, wondering where your friends are tonight, they actually start twisting and dancing around. The funny thing is, they look almost as surprised to be suddenly dancing as we do to be watching them. Finally the food arrives. You know you can escape some conversation by eating as your date talks about whatever, and as long as you politely nod as you chew, she'll do the same when you fill the dead air as she eats. Fair trade. Somewhere in the babble, you find something in common. This would be when Jackie discovers his supernatural powers and starts experimenting with them. It happened to late in the date to be able to call the whole thing a success (you won't be showing any "etchings" tonight) but at least it won't be a total wash. There's been no chemistry, so it's not the same as talking with you friends, smooth, effortless, but you laugh a little and stop glancing over their shoulder at the door for a while. That conversation passes, and as it winds down, the bad guy gets his, any rough mention of any backstory gets resolved, you look at your empty plate. The waiter comes over and asks it you want dessert. Things were going better, but the two of you make eye contact. You know you've said everything the two of you could possibly say to each other, so you pass on dessert. But wait! You have to wait for the check. Well, umm, huh... you try and sort of recap stuff, and we get the bloopers as the credits roll. Jackie Chan are about the stunts, but in such a heavily CGI'd film, all we're left with are examples of Evans acting like a five year old with four siblings auditioning for the spring show, or examples of why Claire Forlani is much better on the video box than actually in your film. You pay your tab, you say good bye, try not to mention calling each other, hope they do the same, then go home. If your friends ask, you'll just say it didn't work out. |
 JACKIE SEES THE FIRST CUT OF THE FILM  FORLANI LEARNS THE BASICS OF SHADOW PUPPETRY  JULIAN SANDS IS DAVID DUCHOVNEY IN THE JEFF GOLDBLUM STORY  THEY, TOO, ARE LEARNING FROM MY ARTICLE  LOOKS LIKE THIS SCENE SHOULD'VE BEEN FUNNY, HUH? |
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