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It has been a long time since a movie made me jump. It has been a long time since a movie made me not want to go into the basement alone. It has not been very long since I needed a reminder of how unfairly hot Jessica Biel is, but I welcome it anyway.

Comparing the new and improved TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE to the original is just silly. In fact, it's pretty much a fool's way to review a movie (not that we here at the DSFC are above foolishness), so I'm going to completely ignore it and fuck you if you don't like it. What you have here in 2003's MASSACRE, is a truly scary movie with some excellent set work, some amazing cinematography and, most shocking of all, a good damn cast. That's right, boys and girls, acting and horror, all in the same movie. The revolution has begun. Not that there hasn't been good acting in the genre before, but let's face it, this is a slasher flick. Slasher flicks are notorious for the crap acting.

Smart movie number one was casting the immensely talented Jessica Biel (who in case I hadn't mentioned is really hot). You may remember Jessica for her inclusion, so many years ago, in jim's DeppCott section. For those of you who don't remember, go look now before it's too late. Biel has got some lungs, perfect for her screaming bits, and a just the right mix of vulnerability and toughness, making her a great choice to carry on the tradition of the woman in peril, who just might have a chance to survive. She's a blend of Jamie Lee Curtis in HALLOWEEN and Jodie Foster in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. Given the fact that Scott Kosar actually gave her a script to work with, Biel is able to start to show her stuff (can you believe I'm talking about acting?) and hopefully there will be more to come from her. I also want to personally thank all the costume designers, special effects people, hair and make-up crew, director of photography, director, casting personnel, agents, producers and anyone else who had a hand in ensuring that Jessica Biel was constantly dripping with sex. Her costume was jaw-dropping and she was seemingly always wet, cold, running or a glorious combination of all three. As for the rest of the Scooby gang caught up in the mystery, Jonathan Tucker (THE VIRGIN SUICIDES) and Erica Leerhsen (BLAIR WITCH 2) made good on their promise from earlier films. Eric Balfour and Mike Vogel managed to successfully not humiliate themselves, but to say they did more would be overly kind.

The other performance worthy of note comes from the always impressive R. Lee Ermey. He plays the town's twisted sheriff in full psycho-mode. Don't you love the way I just skip on all mention of story line or plot? If you want that shit, go read a magazine or watch a commercial. We can't be wasting our time with that here, what with all the slander and profanity we feel obliged to include.

Director Marcus Nispel and cinematographer Daniel Pearl did some distinct and powerful work with some inventive lighting work and avoided the perils of poor pacing. The only complaint that I could see anyone making with any form of legitimacy, is that some of the aspects of the film come off as a little played out. They have to remember that the original MASSACRE (Remember that comment about fool? Present!) had a hand in starting all the clichés of the slasher genre. You could go watch it, but you don't have to, this one is better. Whoops...Also, there are some major anachronistic elements. Does it really matter? It sure don't.

So, long story short (cut me some slack, I got homework to do), MASSACRE is fucking great movie. Go see it. Take a date. If you can't get a date, that's cool, Jessica Biel is really hot.

ALL MY VEXES DIE IN TEXAS

by pat

There seems to be two camps of people on this movie: those who loved it, and those who hated it. For the most part, I'd seen those who loved it were not fans of the original, some not fans of horror in general, while the other group was typically made of people who worship the original, and thought this film an abomination. Seeing as I've never really enjoyed the original, I thought I'd wind up loving this. Turns out I'm an anomaly. I can't bear to sit through any film named "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Before anyone complains that my not loving the original means I'm not qualified to blah-dee-blah, I know why people like it, I can appreciate its historic and stylistic importance and influence, and all that good stuff. My point is, all that stuff aside, I just never enjoyed the actual watching of that film, though that's a matter for a review of it on its own, should I ever give it another shot (as if the half dozen other times I've tried to like it count for nothing). It wasn't hard for me to separate this one from the original. because frankly I didn't care. Make it different, make it the same. Whatever.

Scene one gives us problem one. The "policeman" in the "found footage" was not a very convincing actor. He's not supposed to be an actor, but that means he should convince us he's a policeman. Didn't buy it. This may have been a stylistic choice, to fool us into thinking the rest of the cast is actually putting in performances, but it only worked for a little bit. Maybe two minutes.

We cut to the teenagers in the van speeding down a road, magically listening to a song that doesn't come out until the following year, living the sex, drugs, and rock & roll young American dream. Well, everyone except for Jessica Biel. She's annoyed at the joint being smoked, the couple making out in the back, and pretty much anything her boyfriend does that is at all irresponsible or not to her direct liking and wishes. The only think that keeps you from hating her completely is... well, look at her. That's it. To her credit, that's a lot of hotness if it overcame so much hate I have towards that type character, especially when said character does nothing but cry, beg, scream, and eventually get that raspy voice from too much screaming, crying, and begging for two thirds of the movie.

So jump back to the van. I'm going to list the characters and my initial impressions of them. Annoying girl who is the voice of goodness and light and will clearly make it to the last reel. Boyfriend, who will most likely die in a way that results in girlfriend discovering the death later, leading to screaming and crying. Jock guy, whose death will make the audience hold out hope for a last minute getaway before a final gross effect and sharp cut to next scene. Funny guy (who isn't that funny to begin with: see "I'm putting my arm into this _blank_ and AHH AHH just kidding!" gag) who develops into self centered guy (I think this stereotype comes from this type never having the girlfriend, and therefore not knowing loyalty) and gets one last laugh from us when killed in some humiliating or silly way. Hitchhiker girl, who is there to be another girl, but otherwise undefined. Her voice is to be that of the argument contrary to majority for balance in scene, but as "nobody knows her," inconsistencies in said character can be overlooked.

I was pretty much spot on for all of these descriptions. I left out the details, of course, but it's hard to say what's a spoiler here. Does a red traffic light spoil for you that there will probably be a non-moving car in front of you very soon? So too is nearly everything in this movie. I would actually do short count-downs then point to the screen right as something "came out of nowhere" to get a jolt from the crowd. I have an issue with a movie that's so predictable that the whole time I'm watching it, I feel like I'm watching it again.

Getting long winded here, so I'll start doing smaller stuff. The gross- out factor was in the Uncalled For range. I don't have an issue for gore, as I thought "House of 1,000 Corpses" was great. I have a problem with traditionally gross stuff being used for cheap uneasiness. Slime, dirty brown water from the faucet, the sound of flies everywhere in a food establishment, that sort of crap. I don't consider saying "Ew" to be The Most Frightening Thing I've Ever Seen. It's just "Ew." If I wanted that I'd bet some kid a dollar he wouldn't eat his own boogers, and then I'd be a few bucks ahead.

Ms. Biel Part Deux. I may have, in the past, mentioned that I find her attractive in that "all you seem to be good for is looking at, but you're great at that" sort of way. When the last act involves just about every possible way of insuring her and her white shirt stay wet, you'd think me overjoyed. It was the least the filmmakers could do. Sadly, once she is moistened, she is running from the bad guys for the remainder of the film. In my frustration, I realized something unimportant. Nobody ever gives away backstage passes to a wet T-shirt contest. Why? Because nobody wants to see the back of a girl in a wet T-shirt. As Ms. Biel runs through the rain, falls in puddles, has the sprinklers in a slaughterhouse turned on, and ultimately washes a pick-up with her sorority sisters (I admit my mind may have been wandering by this point of the film) we get nearly nada. Apparently she's a fast enough runner that the speed force evaporates much of the collected moisture, allowing for what should be thin second skin in the real world to come off as consistently kinda damp.

The only plus I can really think of is that R. Lee Ermey, for maybe a quarter of his screen time, is entertaining. The rest of his screen time makes you want him to just retire, as his shouting the word "maggot" is about as intimidating now as Clara Peller asking "Where's the beef?" Leatherface, one would think, would be the scary bad guy in this movie, but he seems like Sloth had he not gotten his daily Baby Ruth bar. Ermey is the real creepy nut job, and in the spots he's on, he's really on. To think that I knowingly went into a movie with massive points against it in my book and it still disappointed me is somewhat mind-boggling. I was more scared by "Alice's Restaurant Massacre," and that was a funny little folk song.