PAT INTERVIEWS JOHNNY MADS

We've shied away from interviews in the past, mainly because we haven't had anybody to interview. That may be changing soon, so we decided to try our interviewing skills with an NFL commentator who would like to remain anonymous. While not revealing the identity of this personality may seem like a bit of a problem, especially since he'll be starting his own column here where he'll take any questions you throw at him,we've honored that request. He wishes to be known only as "Johnny Mads." Let's get going!

DS: So you have been an NFL commentator for quite some time...

JM: Some people say I've been a commentator longer than I've been alive!

DS: Of course that's an exaggeration.

JM: No! I looked into it, the stats are there. If you look at how many games I've called, then count that there's what, a dozen games a season, and I've called near a thousand, I've actually been an NFL commentator for over 360 years! It's simply amazing.

DS: That predates the sport.

JM: It predates me, and that makes me feel special, to know that I was born into a legacy that I helped create for myself. It also helps you when you grow up and know what to become, because you've been doing it for generations. My great grandfather, who passed before I was born, was apparently quite the fan. Do you have any snacks here, by the way?

DS: No, we hadn't planned on that long an interview.

JM: I find it hard to speak for more than three minutes at a time. I can keep talking, but typically I tend to urinate myself if I have to string together more than six sentences at a time. Eight is my absolute limit. That's why I like to take a break and stare at my co-hosts. Sometimes I think a nice vacant stare can be inspirational.

DS: Really.

JM: Oh yeah. It's kind of a gift I have. I used to try and practice it to perfect it, but it wasn't really a problem for me. Usually I'll just take the last word of any sentence I just said and run it over and over again in my head until I hear my name. Sometimes it's in yellow twinkly lights, a lot of times I'll just pretend I'm on a busy street watching the cabs go by,,,"long bomb, long bomb, long bomb, long bomb..." I could watch 'em for hours. Then somebody says hey John, or I get a jolt, and BOOM! Back to work!

DS: Jolt?

JM: Yeah, jolt.

[an awkward silence as I waited for him to elaborate]

JM: Got any peanut butter?

DS: Sorry, no. What's this about a jolt?

JM: I have some crackers and some sardines, but they go great with peanut butter.

DS: Sorry we're out of...

JM: It's okay. I can use salsa instead.

DS: Actually, we don't have any...

[JM pulls a large Tupperware tub of salsa from one of his pockets]

JM: I like it extra spicy. The doctor said my taste buds are deader than a bike chain, or something like that, but man this still gives me a kick. Boom!

[He opens the tub. Immediately tears well up in his eyes]

JM: It's a unique blend of peppers, spices, and ground up sheet metal. I'll mix it up while my friends grind down some aluminum siding on one of the grinders. You know those grinders? Wow, they'll just take a piece of aluminum siding and grind it up. It's like they were born for it. I'll just stand there with a tub and let the sparks shoot right in.

DS: And the Tupperware doesn't melt?

JM: What? No, I have the salsa in the tub, the sparks shoot in my mouth, then I spoon the salsa on top of it. Then I'll take some raw buttered rolls and pack 'em in my cheeks. It's amazing. Your mouth can actually act as an oven if you treat it right. I've cooked plenty of things in my mouth. One time I baked a ham in my mouth. I glazed it with mustard packets and Cool Whip, stuffed in a handful of banana mush, then lit the whole thing on fire. Every so often I'd need to do a couple shots of some Hispanic wine...

DS: Tequila?

JM: Yeah, he's a nice guy. So I take this Mexican wine, and just kinda baste it until I pass out from either the wine or the heat, I can never tell, but I wake up in a pool of my own sweat with a dinner ready to chew and enjoy!

DS: Doesn't that sound a bit unhealthy?

JM: Oh, no. My doctor says I'm in perfect health!

DS: He does?

JM: Oh, sure. I'll go in and take off my shirt, and he tells me "That won't be necessary." Then I'll ask how I'm doing, if there's any problems, anything I should work on, you know, the stuff doctors are good at. That's why we keep 'em around. It's like, if there wasn't doctors, people would probably be a lot sicker, because nobody would be there to tell you why your leg keeps changing color. But he'll just stand there and shake his head, so I guess he doesn't see anything wrong with me. He's old fashioned. He just tells me to spend a lot of time with my family, and keep doing things I like to do, and that's just good advice.

DS: So no plans to change your diet?

JM: Nope, I ate three turduckens the other day as a matter of fact.

DS: THREE?

JM: Well, yeah. The holidays are the best time for those kind of things, so I might toss in an extra one on a good day. I'm actually working on my own turducken plant for next year.

DS: Will you be personally taking care of the livestock?

JM: Oh, we aren't farming, not really. See, we didn't want to have to raise all of those ducks and turkeys and chickens and llamas and all and then have to get them all together, so we're working on raising live turduckens.

[I could only stare blankly]

JM: Some of our people are working on the marketing already. I personally like "An Abomination of Flavor!" We've tried a few possibilities, like planting an egg in an egg in an egg in an egg in an egg in... I'm not sure where it stops exactly, but now they're working on something called "post-incubation generation."

DS: What does that involve?

JM: Science. Lots of science. They're just throwing all the science they can at this. BOOM!

DS: What?!?

JM: Huh?

DS: You shouted "boom" for no reason.

JM: Oh, there's a reason. Be kinda silly if there wasn't.

[he stares blankly at the collar to my shirt]

DS: What's the reason?

[he looks up, confused]

DS: Why did you say "boom?"

JM: It helps, you know?

DS: No.

JM: It's a relaxation thing, like those guys in the woods who shout at wolves. It releases stress. Sometimes I get really stressed, like right here...

[he indicates his chest]

JM: ...whole thing just tightens up. I yell "BOOM!" and I can feel it pass. Tends to happen after meals, when I walk around a lot, or if I stand up too quick. Some days I'll look at the mirror and just keep shouting "BOOM" until I break a solid sweat. Not the kind of peaceful easy drip you get from opening a jar or something, but the kind where your shirt'll actually dissolve into a tank top and wristbands. We're talking go time. BOOM!!!

DS: Wow. Do you think...

JM: BOOM! BOOM! Grahkk...hhh...khuh...BOOM!

[as a side note, I'd noticed a tendency for JM to start instinctively flexing his left hand after each "boom"]

DS: Are you okay?

JM: I'm willing to keep going if you are. I will warn you, there's a real good chance I just soiled myself.

DS: Then we'd like to thank you for stopping in.

JM: Can I just sit here for a minute?

[end of interview, we'll spare you the details of the aftermath]

If you have a question for Johnny Mads, he's agreed to answer them in a regular feature. It can be about sports, life, hardware, whatever. Just send your question to JohnnyMads@danger-seekers.com!