1. E.T., THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

Spielberg made some of the greatest movies of the eighties and thereby spanned his grasp on audiences for two decades. In fact, his skillful hand has been involved in three of the five films on this list. E.T. is not only a classic film that anyone can enjoy, it introduced the world to Drew Barrymore. More importantly then that, it introduced my five-year-old eyes to that girl. The girl that would go on to be known as more then the latest in a line of legendary stars, but my very own Secret Life Partner.

2. RETURN OF THE JEDI

Some may question my choosing JEDI over EMPIRE, to those people I say, "Eat my fuck." JEDI pretty much was my childhood. It was my favorite movie and was the favorite movie of every kid I knew. When knew all the lines, went to the movies to see it every chance we got, owned all the merchandise, and had crushes on Princess Leia. To the Haters that disrespect the Ewoks, I would like to point out that at the time the film came out, the Ewoks were enormously popular. I won't speak for those much older or younger then myself, but any one who has around ten-years-old in 1983 that says they've always hated Ewoks, is not only lying, but betraying part of their own childhood. They are also Cockknockers and can EAT MY FUCK.

3. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

Old Stevie is at it again, with his second film on my eighties list. Quite simply, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, reinvented the old fashioned serial adventures and created the second best series of films of the modern era. Harrison Ford helped create two of the coolest characters ever to grace the screen and provided role models for little boys everywhere.

4. THE GOONIES

Richard Donner may have directed, but that wily Spielberg executive produced and wrote the story for this kick ass adventure for preteens. The film has some pretty rough language for PG, but kids can dig it none the less. Once more we look at a movie that most boys I knew, myself included of course, grew up on. It makes me wonder what movies that the kids of today will grow up on. What will they list as their favorite movies of the decade they grew up during.

5. FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

I knew I was getting old the day that my friends little sister said "Who the hell is Ferris Bueller?" Only THE ultimate eighties anti-hero! Only THE reason that anyone still (sorta) cares about Matthew Broderick! Ferris was what we all wanted to be: cool, carefree, and banging Mia Sara. As if anyone needed a reason to wanna ditch school and cruise around in a Ferrari, Ferris Bueller gave them one.

1. BREAKFAST CLUB

A timeless story of teen angst, what dates this movie is the slang, the songs, and the wardrobe. Ever then, it's only sort of dated. The 80's were John Hughes' decade, and while some of his work was funnier, this was his crown jewel. When talk of a sequel surfaced, a lot of people wanted it to be a reunion, just because 15 years later, we wanted to know what happened to these 5 students we spent just under two hours with. I could give two shits what Curly Sue is up to right now.

2. WALL STREET

Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, and Martin Sheen, all good in the same movie! Beyond the sheer statistic improbability of these inconsistent actors being in sync with the seventh house of Jupiter, this movie is something to behold. It is a testement to the greed, amorality, and yuppie drive that made a lot of people dream the decade would never end. Of course, those people now have sinuses that look like dried coral, and greed is now apparently bad, but what a time, what a line...

3. MIRACLE MILE

I've stated in my review elsewhere how I think this movie sums up the nuclear fears we had throughout this decade. It makes me glad to know that I don't live near a first strike nuclear target. Wait, would D.C. count? BaadaaBOOM! BIG! Now if only we could get a working model of "Missile Command" in place, the world would be safe. My brother could get a government job. He was great at that game.

4. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH

After "Dawn of the Dead," this was the first real mall movie, and since "DotD" was a social satire, and had zombies, this movie really was the one to kick start the genre. Real teens, real problems, and not enough pizza for Spicoli. Bummer. Cameron Crowe did a lot of research at high schools to write the book it was based on, and the one thing he learned above all else is that we wanted to see Phoebe Cates topless. Good job, Mr. Crowe! Huzzah!

5. ROCKY IV

Russia was the enemy. Why? Because, uh, it has something to do with communism. And, having read up on it, communism is based on some great socialist concepts. But Russia had nukes! They were gonna nuke us! Of course, it seems they were more afraid of us, and competing in an arms race when they aren't a capitalist society crippled their economy beyond repair. That Drago was a mean S.O.B. He killed Apollo Creed! That bastard! Dirty Commie!

1. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

I'm not even going to dignify my selection of this as the best movie of the 80's with an explanation. If you disagree with me, then a.) I'm not going to change your mind and b.) you're fucking wrong.

2. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

The pure, distilled essence of the popcorn adventure flick. All-American good guy, nasty, refined European bad guy, and a great big boulder. Throw me the idol, my friends, I'll throw you da bomb.

3. BRAZIL

Usually, style-based flicks come up short in the story department, but this one, guided by the expert hand of Terry Gilliam, strikes a perfect balance, making it the cinematic equivalent of Orwell's "1984" - the best-ever view of the dystopian future.

4. DIE HARD

When an exciting new genre is created, I think we all owe it to ourselves to stop and take notice. One of my few cinematic regrets was that I passed on the chance to see this spectacular spectacular on the big screen (hey, up to that point, all Bruce Willis had done was Moonlighting and the Return of Bruno record. Of course, in hindsight, those both rock, but I was 12 and an idiot, so bite me). Spawning countless "Die Hard on a ..." rip-offs, this one is the true granddaddy and deserving of every bit of the respect it's earned.

5. FULL METAL JACKET

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I BEEN TOLD (I don't know but I been told)

ALL OTHER VIETNAM MOVIES PALE IN COMPARISON TO KUBRICK'S PENSIVE, EERIE MEDITATION ON THE EFFECTS OF MILITARY CONFORMITY AND BRUTALITY ON ITS SOLDIERS (all other vietnam movies ... uh ... what he said).