1. CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

A few years ago, I'd'a probably put Juliette Lewis at the top of this list, but after basically disappearing off the planet - or at least disappearing from movies I'd bother seeing - Ms. Lewis gets to beat a hasty retreat from my list. Also, she sang those PJ Harvey songs in STRANGE DAYS pretty well, so I've turned my laser-keen sense of wrath against the Douglas woman. Barring her somewhat effective turn in TRAFFIC, Ms. Zeta-Jones can bite my ass. No comic timing (yet she keeps showing up in comedies), not much in the way of acting skill (and that which she does have has to somehow penetrate the "I'm better than you" twinkle in her eye), she basically serves no purpose for me but to act as target to my heaps of rage. Even her once-breathtaking good looks, while still intact, have no impact on me whatsoever. CZJ, you are cordially invited to fuck off.

2. J-LO



Tell you what's not fair - that the former Ms. Diddy turns in a knockout performance as bombshell fed Karen Sisco in OUT OF SIGHT, but then insists on never turning in any such caliber performance ever again. Rather, she takes on crap projects - the SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY rehash ENOUGH comes to mind (even without my having seen it) - and betrays no such twinkle as she did in that early work of hers. And if she'd never done OUT OF SIGHT to begin with, I'm sure she'd just coast under the radar for me as someone not worth my time and vitriol, but frankly, the one thing I can't stand in this world is a disappointment. And the
other thing is J-Lo. Please, take your 70's mafia-wife ho gear, and kindly fuck right off.

3. FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.



FUCK OFF!! God, you know, who the fuck said this guy was, like, interesting, talented, or possesses whatever quality it is that keeps getting him work? He looks like fucking Dino from the Flintstones, and STILL bags Sarah Michelle Gellar? Just don't get it ...

4. DENISE RICHARDS



Okay, nobody understands why I don't like her, because none of them ever seems to look past her Barbie-generic face and, let's be frank, her boobs. Well, I'm immune to such non-outstanding features, I guess (though the scene in WILD THINGS was pretty hot), but for me, she basically falls into that category jim created of actresses who, now that they've taken off their clothes on camera, can be thanked, and then can gracefully disappear. Denise, please. Fuck off.

5. NICOLAS CAGE



Nic, you've won your Oscar. Good for you. You went and had some fun after that (CON AIR, FACE/OFF). Good for you. But alas, we've now seen everything you have to offer, and considering you went from taking risky, daring parts to pigeonhole yourself as a slightly-quirky leading man, you may now fuck the fuck off.

1. DANA CARVEY

The guy just isn't funny. As Garth, the only thing I can say I could Carvey playing without feeling a seething animosity, and credit goes solely to Mike Myers for playing to his "strengths." His role was that of the unfunny loser friend who tries to be funny and fails, and cannot resist staring at the camera and mugging. Watch any sketch he's in. Without fail, he will look right at you, to make sure you see him and his one-note impressions.

2. REESE WITHERSPOON



Another case of "Look at me and how great I am! Aren't I great?" Looks are her only redeeming quality, but since she knows she's attractive, it can be counte against her. I did plays with girls like her. Every twitch, gesture, smile, etc, is so specific, so hammy. She overacts just enough to get people to notice, and has all of the little ticks to "emote" something instead of actually acting. It's soulless and robotic. And the people I knew who did that then were soulless and robotic, and I hated them, so I hate her.

3. RON HOWARD

If he just called himself a producer, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. As is, every project he does is an assembly of people who can get a movie made. He hires quality actors, set designers, effects people, cinematographers, and so forth. Then he stands in the middle of it all, as the movie gets made in his name, saying "Aw, gee, shucks, isn't the magic of movies great?" He has no voice, no vision, no style. He's just a studio puppet. The machine churns out another generic hit, and they put frontman Opie out there, so people can say "He was such a cute kid, and now he's all growed ups!" How many other directors take that many breaks on set every day for interviews, publicity stills and so on? Only the puppets.

4. AKIVA GOLDSMAN

Oscar winner for "A Beautiful Mind," directed by fellow nominee Ron Howard. Also, he is responsible for three of the worst films I have ever seen. "Batman Forever" borrowed bits from "Ernest Goes to School," which I will someday go into. "Batman & Robin" needs no introduction. Both show that Akiva has never once read a single Batman comic, or hated them so much he wanted to enact revenge by urinating on decades of characters, histories, and for the most part quality. If that's the case, he has no taste and I hate him. "Lost in Space" is such hollow mindless crap that Heather Graham came off looking blameless. She didn't have much to work with. How sad is that?

5. CARROT TOP

How did the other members miss the Patron Satan of prop-comictry? Years of therapy have helped wipe the slate clean, allowing a block to the memories of "Chairman of the Board," a movie so bad we stopped it before it could end, or end US, lit it on fire, and threw it into the bay. I'm not kidding. There is a melted piece of evil tainting the ecosystem, and it may ultimately cause the end of the world, but I can't feel responsible. Blame the guy who gave this annoying no-joke fucker his own movie. Drunk unshaven party mimes with bad ulcers going through custody battles are funnier, and not the dark comedy of it all.