by jim

1. FOREVER

This abomination stars Keith Coogan as a "hot" music video director, who moves into a mansion haunted by some of silent Hollywood's biggest stars. He somehow manages to falls in love with the ghost of Mary Miles Minter. Oh, and it's an enormous piece of crap. While the film has no problem disgracing the memories of Minter, Mabel Normand, Fatty Arbuckle and Mary Pickford, apparently they drew the line at including Charlie Chaplin. Ducking a law suit, they replaced him with a fictional Chaplin clone named Billy Baldwin. Oh, and the film is an enormous piece of crap, did I mention that? The grotesque sex scenes with Coogan and the unfathomably unsexy Sally Kirkland is enough to make you sterile. Do not watch this movie. Ever.

2. THE SERVANTS OF TWILIGHT

I usually don't believe in trying to compare adapted movies on the books they are based on. After all, they are two different mediums that cannot possibly be held to the same standards. There are things you can do in books that don't work to the same effects in movies and vice versa. That being said, what the fuck were these people thinking? This movie totally bastardizes Dean Koontz's novel for no intelligible reason. Fuck this movie.

3. LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER

Where can I possibly begin? S. Yes, S seems a good place to start. Now follow S down to the land of H. From H, we take the dangerous mountain hike up to I. After stopping for rest, we journey deep into the forbidden valley of T. That is where you can find this movie.

4. THE SMOKERS

I hate this movie with all the passions of a man who loves to hate. I believe my review of this film contains death wishes to at least two or three of the film's participants. I can't revisit this experience again. Doctor's orders.

5. REFLECTIONS OF EVIL

Some yahoo sent us this senseless piece of shit. If anyone sends it to you, treat it like an anthrax letter. To the films mastermind: Give up. You are an atrocious filmmaker. Stop wasting precious resources like my time, your money, and film stock. Oh, and while you're at it you may as well cut down on oxygen, too. Moron.

by pat

1. CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

This movie is the sum of all reasons why Carrot Top must be dropped into an empty missile silo, then covered, in alternating succession, with wet concrete, cinder blocks, and burning tires. Watching it with friends caused trauma. One poor girl started screaming about forty minutes in and had to leave. It is the only movie that we, as DangerSeekers, lit on fire and threw into the bay.

2. BATMAN & ROBIN

Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Mr. Freeze dressed like an extra in a David Bowie stage show? Wobbly ears and nipples on the Batsuits? A blond Batgirl, who is not Commissioner Gordon's daughter? Phallic imagery less subtle than "Flesh Gordon?" Bane, the man who broke Batman, as a mindless drone, a henchman? Snowboarding through the clouds? All so incredibly wrong. The fact that it took $110 million to bring it to us?

3. HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION

My review speaks for itself, but just to fill space, here's some quick excerpts: "After this one, I just wanted to cry... I heard people leaving the theater that were happy with it. I wanted to hurt them, but knew I would just be lashing out at innocents in a world that could create something so wrong...This movie urinated in the dead and empty skull of something I once loved, and only time can start to ease the salt from the wounds. Maybe."

4. NOTHING BUT TROUBLE



The first time I watched it, it was despite the poor reviews. I couldn't see how Dan Ayckroyd, Chevy Chase, John Candy, and to a lesser extent stand-up comedian Taylor Negron, could make a completely laughless picture. The second time, I figured I was just in a bad mood when I watched it the first time. The third time was to appease the protest of somebody who liked it. The fourth time I wanted to see if there was a single funny or redeeming moment. Not a one. The fifth was to note all of the things I hated, from the forced musical cameo by Digital Underground to the painful product placement. The sixth time, quite simply, was a suicide attempt.

5. POLICE ACADEMY 7:MISSION TO MOSCOW

Why single out just one, many might ask? Well, the rest of the series, including the pretty damn bad "Assignment: Miami Beach," were something of a guilty pleasure. They were formulaic, but sometimes they were actually funny in a simple kind of way. Even if not, they were at least likeable, non-threatening. This one was so abysmally worthless it made both the live action and animated TV series look like comedy gold. When you can't do justice to films featuring Steve Guttenberg, David Spade, and Colleen Camp, stop. Just stop.

by AG

1. STARSHIP TROOPERS

A'right, to be fair, you get to see Dina Meyer's boobies. Twice. And I'm all for that. But beyond those two (or four) redeemable qualities, this movie is, to me anyway - and I know there're legions of fans out there ready to hit me with sticks - crap. Sheer, utter crap. Sheer utter OFFENSIVE crap, to be particular, as the once-sharp Paul Verhoeven trades in his razor-sharp satirical edge, as seen in, say, ROBOCOP, for an over-the-top, needlessly gory, derivative pile of shit. His fascination with human death and dismemberment outlasts mine by a good two and a half hours, and I hate to be the one to tell him - we ALL saw ALIENS and FULL METAL JACKET. Fuck you, Verhoeven. Fuck you.

2. SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL

Buses? Fast. Cruise ships? NOT.

3. SCARY MOVIE/SCARY MOVIE 2

Okay, I only saw half of the first one, and half of the second one. But I figure that adds up to one entire suck. Hey, Keenen - or whichever of your hundreds of brothers was behind this - parody isn't just recreating a scene shot by shot, and then hoping the audience is laughing so uproariously they don't notice that there's no actual comedy in the scene.

4. ROBOCOP 2

Speaking of ROBOCOP, this Irvin Kershner-helmed sequel will make you wonder how Kersh had anything to do with EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. It will then make you vomit. And die. And then vomit again.

5. CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

We here at DSFC have a pretty high threshhold for suck. I mean, yeah, we think a lot of movies suck, but we sit through them. This one, we ejected from the VCR, set fire to it, and launched it into the Chesapeake Bay. And with good reason.