1. CHRISTMAS VACATION

Top to bottom, this hits everything Christmas for me. I've been told that when I finally settle down and start a family, I'll become Clark Griswold. The lights, the short fuse when things hit critical mass, the do-or-die survival of the season. I see this movie as a training video.

2. DIE HARD

This is one many people don't get. Those people haven't seen this movie in a while, and never at Christmas. It takes place on the holiday, uses it well as a plot device, and even has a positive pro-family message when all's said and done.

3. A CHRISTMAS STORY

A classic, even before Turner caught on and ran it 24/7. I remember having to track down which video stores owned this movie, less yet had a copy in stock. Never has there been a more accurate view of the insanity of Christmas through the eyes of a child.

4. THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

I know it's more of a Halloween movie, but there's still so much Christmas, and a decidedly warped version of it, that I couldn't help but fall in love with it from the first time I saw it. It's still magical to me every time I watch it, from tale to technique a masterpiece.

5. THE REF

What a disfunctional movie. Arguments, robbers, guns, and in the end a family comes together and realizes what the holidays are about: banding together against that extended family who comes over and criticizes everything marathon-style because it's the only chance you give them all year. Ahhh, good times.

1. HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

NOT the Ron Howard one. The one that can actually be watched without the desire to swallow one's own tongue. Nothing beats the Grinch. NOTHING, I tells ya. Further proof that Dr. Seuss was at the top of his game when he cranked this story out, Karloff is not, as some have reported, a cocksucker, and Chuck Jones is God, or at least a high-ranking executive in the firm.

2. A CHRISTMAS STORY

Kind of an obvious one, I guess, but what, now I'm all of a sudden going for subtle? Hilarious, smart, and, surprisingly, nondenominational. And as a sidebar, Scott Schwartz, who played Flick, went on to be a porn star. Insert tongue-stuck-to-pole joke here.

3. THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL

Sure, it's the first of the Muppet flicks to feature the Steve Whitmire Kermit, but still, it works like a charm. It's amazing watching Michael Caine go head to head with 22 inch foam rubber puppets ... just like in Cider House, really.

4. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

I've actually never seen this movie. But I hear it's really good, and what's a Christmas list without it? I mean, every year, I'm like "This'll be the year that I watch 'It's a Wonderful Life'," and it's always on t.v., but I guess I just never got around to it.

5. SEXHIBITION-ISTS 5

Ok, I'm out of Christmas movies. And when I'm out of Christmas movies, I default to porn. But honestly, who doesn't? Not so much a Christmas movie as it is, well, a poorly shot video of people having sex on camera. In fact I'm pretty sure that there's not one single Christmassy thing to it. I mean, they could have at least had some chick getting poled with a candy cane, or thrown a Santa hat on Jimmy the new pool boy. But no, they just weren't trying. In fact, what kind of Christmas movie is this? This is a shitty Chrismtas movie! Why did I even put it on this list? I don't get it ...